Saturday, 28 September 2013

A HOMO ME?????

Homosapiens and Homosexuality have that little ‘Homo’ in common. Does that in any way mean that there is a little Homo person hidden inside my skin somewhere?? 
Back in my early school days, when life was innocently wrapped in a green pinafore frock and when black ribbons where the smartest thing ever, the bird and the bee were never of the same gender. A boyfriend had a girlfriend while the girlfriend had a boyfriend and the rest like me where stealing 2 Rupees out of dad’s pocket for a daily dose of samosa from the school canteen. Life was not complicated in any sexed up way.

I was in 7th grade when I had a massive fight with my tiffin friend and was forced to find myself a new friend to share my tiffin box with during the school break (When your mother gives you idli chutney almost every day for lunch, you need to find new means). And there on the school playground I found my new tiffin friend in the form of a fair girl, wearing a longer pinafore than mine and socks held firm to her middle calf with the help of rubber bands. So amazingly smart!!!! The rubber band technique for the socks was a sure winner in my books. She let me have her lunch, gave me rubber bands to keep my socks high and sometimes even bought me 2 Rs sip-ups during the summer days. She was everything I was looking for until I was proven otherwise one Friday the 13th. It was the school craft exhibition and she held my hand as I displayed the flowers I made out of Old milk packets to the parents visiting the exhibition. Though I felt quiet weird about it, I let her do so for she had promised to buy me a samosa later for lunch. Yes I was a food slut (ignore was). But I will never forget how later that day she asked me if she could come to the toilet with me because she wanted to be with me everywhere I went. Hell broke loose and with a force greater than all the avengers combined, I fled back to my old tiffin friend and dumped this girl out. Sadly the routine smuggling of 2 Rs from Dad’s pocket was initiated yet again.

I still remember how once during our school assembly, I fell sick and decided to go sit in the classroom and silently chew on the Methi Paratha that my tiffin friend had got on that day. But what should have been a guilty indulgence turned out to be my first real life kiss experience. Real life being mine and kiss experience being between two other girl classmates of mine. I stood there watching them because you got to be kidding me if you say that you wouldn’t. Hell, two girls were kissing behind the class cupboard!!! SPICY!

Have you ever been attracted to someone your own gender? Not attraction in the form of wanting to hit the bed with them but in a way that you would want them to talk only to you? Some crazy crush way. I had this super girl crush to this macho chick in my class. It was around that time when Amrita and Isha Kopikar’s Girlfriend movie hit the Bolly and the Bajrang Dal guys had made Poster tearing their vocational sport. Lesbianism became a huge topic and I suddenly thought I was a lesbian. Such was my devotion towards her. I used to be on bed and imagine myself touching her. And then I would go barf my guts out. I even watched a few lesbian kisses on youtube and no I would never kiss a girl or knead her Pompoms! I was a confirmed non lesbian.

During college life after being almost kissed by a lesbian hostel maid, after being pinched on the butt by a chick in the bus and after being winked at by a woman traffic police, I am all cool with this whole Gay rave! In this time when being gay is the new Fashion, where being a lesbian makes you a rebel, thus super cool and where everyone wants a new gay best friend, I guess it’s time I brought my apologies out.

Dear dumped tiffin friend, I am sorry for being such a jerk. I wonder where you are these days and whether you finally found a chick who would let you inside the toilet. I apologize for dumping you. We could have remained friends (without the added benefits).  And I really do miss those free samosas.

Dear classmates I caught in the middle of a feisty behind-the-cupboard make out. I apologize for spreading the gossip in the whole school which eventually got you both suspended. One of you recently got married (to a guy) and is my facebook friend. Thankyou for those frequent facebook pokes.

That said, who knows what happens next. I support the whole concept of being gay for it’s a personal sexual preference. But would you have accepted it like say 50 years ago? Would you hit the streets to support its legalisation? This makes me think, what if incest becomes a cool thing after say 30 years. Are our moral stands breaking loose? Feed me your thoughts!!

P.S- I ordered a cake to celebrate my parents silver marriage anniversary. Thank God it was not 'WAR'.

Thursday, 26 September 2013


A recent study conducted by the students of the University of Bullford has shown that 84% of the entire population of the world is suffering from obesity of the soul. The research which was conducted under the able guidance of Dr. Hymen has been under the wraps for a few years as the statistic was so unbelievable that a double check was called for. The World Health Organisation is perturbed and is taking strong actions to control the increasing obesity of the soul.  

Finally on the 1st September 2013 the Act ‘The World Slim Soul Act, 2013’ was enforced by the United Nations under the seal of Mr. Tea Annan. Commencement being on the same date as the enactment, it was made compulsory for the Nations of the world coming under the UN Charter to act on it immediately.
These are the recommendations made by the ‘The World Slim Soul Act, 2013’ to achieve a fit soul-

ARTICLE 1-Cardio- Running is extremely harmful for the soul. Every living individual belonging to the Nations coming under the UN charter, is hereby bound to stop running away from life for a minimum of 1 hour daily, which would in turn burn the calories of the soul. Thus making it practical and more purposeful.

ARTICLE 2- Weight Training- To tone and shape the soul, every individual is bound to lift their thoughts daily. Lifting ones thoughts is an excellent way to tone up a narrow minded soul. Another substitute for shaping the soul is lifting the mood of someone. Lifting the mood of a friend has shown to have a positive impact on the soul of both the lifter and the friend.

ARTICLE 3- Cycling- A person is hereby required to quit spin biking towards the purpose of their life. Spin biking is synonymous to procrastination. Hence an individual is ordered to choose a more productive option like Cycling towards the goal of your life. Cycling being synonymous to hard work.

ARTICLE 4- Abs- Six pack soul abs are mandatory for every individual and any person without a six pack soul abs is liable to being penalised. Laughter is the perfect exercise for the abs and is proved to make a drastic change on the lower abs. Laughter is thus a pre requisite for a flat soul stomach.

ARTICLE 5- Start the day with a hot cup of Positivity- Immediately after the commencement of this act, every person shall begin his/her day with a freshly brewed cup of positivity. Positivity contains antioxidants which are scientifically proven to increase the metabolism and hence make the person feel lively all day long.

ARTICLE 6- Massage the soul with good talks- Every person is hereby prohibited from attaching themselves to people who have nothing good to talk about. The individual has the liberty to chalk out an hour or more daily to massage their soul with good talks thus combating the dryness and dullness of the soul.

ARTICLE 7- Anti- Judgment Pills- Judgements are the farts of the soul. Seeing the sharp increase in the number of farts being let out by a single soul, every individual is thus required to have an anti- judgment pill to combat this soul fart.

ARTICLE 8- Diet- It is recommended that every citizen goes on a balanced diet. Ego contains cholesterol and having too much of it is proven to clog the arteries of the heart. Fish is an excellent source of Iodine and Calcium but consuming a particular type of fish called the SELFISH is hereby prohibited. Selfish contains too much calories and makes the soul fat and socially unacceptable. Indulging in too much Bitching wings has shown to have an appalling impact on the SMI i.e the Soul Max Index. Also studies have shown that as much tasty greediness is, it’s nasty.

ARTICLE 9- Healthy Shakes- Indulgence in healthy shakes in recommended for the proper cleansing of the soul. A quick mix of Honesty, kindness and real smiles provides one with a healthy shake that is a natural cleanser of all the toxic the soul has been eating prior to this lifestyle change.

ARTICLE 10- Proper Sleep- Research has shown that acceptance could be a cure for insomnia. A person is thus advised to accept themselves for who they are and combat insecurity to achieve a sound sleep at the end of the day. Lack of proper sleep makes the soul lethargic and consequently makes it obese.

ARTICLE 11- Shit- The last recommendation under this Act is to poop. A person is required to poop out the miserable people, the fake pretences and the unwanted anger first thing in the morning. This makes the soul feel light and less constipated. Pooping regularly also provides the soul with a clear skin with lesser pimples medically termed as ‘REGRETS’.
India being a member of the United Nations and having signed the charter is required to follow the recommendations and make it effective forthwith. Let us starting today strive towards giving our soul that much required Size Hero and who knows maybe the world would be a dream to live on and the society would be less of a crazy breed. 

P.S- WHAT IS UP YOU GUYS???!!! This Judicial Service preparation is killing me and hence no update for long!!! November 17th is the decision day!! DO PRAY. I might end up being the coolest judge ever! 
P.P.S- A certain mail I received yesterday is the reason why my procrastination ended and I wrote a post. Feels good to be missed you know!! Thanks girl!