Monday, 27 May 2013

How To Tell People They Suck.....

The world is filled with people having an ambition to be something that they are genuinely not capable of.  Every third person is a photographer, every fifth person is a DJ and one out of five people turn out to be a self proclaimed singer or a poet. One thing common about all of them is that they are all victims of a chain of lies. 
One does not choose to be a world class wannabe. He/she is moulded into one. I am expected to visit this South Indian Mallu God temple every once in a while, which I do without a second thought because they serve the most amazing Prasadam my critic of a tongue has ever tasted. But off late a problem has emerged and my visits have been next to Nil. The problem is in the shape of a middle aged woman cursed with the voice of an overly enthusiastic frog. Even Autotune will be vain in its attempt to make her voice bearable.  Every Saturday without fail, the woman croaks sings her own compositions, praising the Lord sitting in the sanctum sanatorium and one must appreciate her audacity to do so by using a Microphone. Call it pity or the absence of guts, no one including the beggars sleeping outside the temple has ever told her about how her singing can make a person question his own existence. Even her husband doesn’t stop her from being subjected to the secret & silent mockery of the people. Every Saturday the Lord decides to call it quits and the visiting pilgrims return back home as zombies.

Why cannot people be honest? Sometimes a criticism should not be taken with a pinch of salt because they are facts and however brutal it is you have to accept how you suck at something that you truly are passionate about. Now I love dancing and after a few embarrassing efforts in the club and a few real friends who made me face the fact that while dancing I look worse than an Orangutan gyrating, I had to silently accept that like most of the Mallu Men, even I a woman cannot dance. Not that I dint take dance lessons after that. Still, I suck and I am fine with that.

But then again the world is full of mean bastards who get sadistic pleasure in seeing someone being mocked by half the world for showcasing an art they suck at but have not been told about it yet. A friend from my college has a DSLR camera which was gifted to him from a now dead relative of his. He loves it and he clicks everything including an artistic pattern coincidentally left by a pigeon dropping right outside the college canteen. Everyone knows he is terrible at it and at one point I told him in person that I detest his photographs. But how can one opinion stand against the strong word of his close friends. Real friends are those who tell you that you suck and help you get through it like cheesecake rather than helping you set up a fan page on Facebook and laugh at you with the rest of the crowd. His pictures range from clicks of broken headphones to close-ups of a cat licking its privates. No exaggeration here.

So next time you see someone pursuing an art they truly suck at, let them know about it. They might never talk to you again, but I guess you could live with that. Who knows, they might even thank you later.  And when I say that you tell them they suck at it, I don’t mean “OH FUCK! YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS WOULD MAKE EVEN MONA LISA FROWN. YOU SUCK!!”. Let them know that you appreciate how passionate they are about something but maybe they should work towards learning and improving in their area of interest before publicizing it.  But there are some brats who constantly flash their talent and go “OMG!! Isn’t this the best thing EVAR??!!” Tell them flatly just why it’s NOT and how to make it better and if they keep pouting, tell them that they have a long way to go before this ‘BEST THING EVAR’ applies to whatever art they are trying in vain to master. 
After all, the world and a few temples could do better without a few wannabes!! Amen to that!

P.S- Stupid gym instructor wanted to make me supermodel slim in a day. As a result, the doctor has adviced me a month bed rest because of an over stretched and super strained ankle ligament. Damn!!!

Sunday, 12 May 2013


Date a man who loves Old Monk. Date a man whose loyalty lies to the elixir that patiently blended itself for 7 years. You will find him quietly sitting by the bar of the pub you ritually visit, enjoying the company of a bottle of Buddha Sadhu, untouched by the madness around.  He is the guy sitting beside you in the flight; trying his best to cover up his discomfort on the lack of Old Monk but the availability of useless Beer and Red Wine on board. Strike a conversation with him and ease his pain. Ask him about his favourite Rum and see the twinkle in his eyes. 
Date a man who loves Old Monk because he is dependable. While the women around you fuss about their men and their bad hangovers, you would be the one waking up to a man ready with a cuppa coffee for you. The Old Monk knows that a hangover shouldn’t be an effect of last night’s divine alcoholic escapade.
It is amazing to date a man who loves Old Monk. Like his favourite rum he is an experience that you would like to have every chance you get without even a hint of change made to it. He is manly and he attracts recognition and while his comrades go on advertising their worth to gain your attention, he sits back because knows that you will come to him. He is smooth in his approach and he is just like his favourite Old Monk.

It is easy to date a man who loves Old Monk. Buy him an Old Monk XXX Rum for his birthday and hear him pledge his allegiance towards you for life. Get him Old Monk Gold Reserve Rum on Valentine’s Day and watch him kneel down to propose you. 
You must date a man who loves Old Monk. He is magnetic just like his preferred rum and no matter which bloke tries to sweep you away from him; you will be stuck to him like glue. He knows you are his to keep. He is the same yet full of surprises and sex with him would be a rush you cannot have enough of. Just like his rum he doesn’t allow you to forget him for his touch lingers upon you and fades into a beautiful memory which cannot be ever erased. 
Actually marry the guy who loves Old Monk. He is a people’s guy and doesn’t choose friends after checking their pockets. He is there to console his friend from College who failed in his 5th attempt at the civil services exams and he is there even to congratulate his affluent colleague on his latest promotion. Just like his beloved rum, he is not judgemental and is a good listener. 
Grow old with a guy who loves Old Monk. He will be the same man you fell in love with and time would never change him for the worst. Being similar to his pet rum, he too would never change with time. But do not see this as a negative trait, for you know you love him just the way he is.
Date a man who loves Old Monk, because you deserve it. You deserve a man who can give you the fruitiest life imaginable. If you can only give him the monotony of Carlsberg, Red Label or a Signature, then you are better off alone. But if you want a truly memorable life with a man worthy of it all, date a man who loves Old Monk.
It’s high time you found a man who loves Old Monk and made him yours, because like they say, a man is what a man drinks. 

Or better yet, date a man who loves Chivas. 

P.S-How are you guys? I just got back after an amazing Europe trip and my spine got its must deserved rest after all the bumpy rides it took on our adventurous Indian roads. I loved everything about Europe, except the whole 'WIPING BUSINESS'. If you know what I mean :P
P.P.S- No, I was not dead! and yes, I missed you all too :D