Tuesday, 29 May 2012

The Great Indian Pooping!!!

India will always be a developing country. The civility of our countrymen will force it to remain that way. We just cannot let go of our animal like tendencies and make way to something less grotesque. 

So I understand that we derived the idea of shitting and peeing anywhere and everywhere from our ancestors the Chimpanzees or conceptually the early Man. But while the rest of the world evolved into people with stance and etiquette, we stuck like glue to our age old barbaric living. We continued blessing the land with our faeces and piddle undisturbed, in every land or nook left unattended and unused. Our citizens, be it man or woman, do not believe in false modesty by shying away from the concept of pooping together while the rest of the world passes them unperturbed.

I have spent 14 yrs of my life seeing the buttocks of a considerate number of slum dwellers as the bus dropped me to school every morning and if in case I got too busy to notice the defecating ceremony, I could still catch a glimpse or two through the windows of my classroom. All this became possible due to the large ground facing the slums and located right in front of my school, which the thoughtful government kept free for conducting small sports activities. Every morning, the slum dwellers, irrespective of their gender, age or butt cheek size, march towards the ground with a mug of water, unload the previous days load and frolic back with a smile of satisfaction on their face. On the same ground every year in the month of October, thousands of people including me stand to joyfully celebrate the bursting away of Ravana. To prep up of the land for the Dussehra celebrations, the munificent municipal corporation comes with truckload of sand to carpet the land fully pasted with human poop. The land becomes a fresh open toilet for the slum dwellers from the next day onwards. 

Soon the less barbaric lot of the city, wrote and pestered the local government to build public toilets on that land for the satisfaction of both the excreting slum dweller and the forced to watch plebeians. Hence, a line of toilets were built upon the area which was poop coated every day. But they say it right, ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’. While some the residents started using the newly built toilets, majority continued to practice their age old tradition by sitting right outside the toilet and defecating, sometimes accompanied by domestic animals. The dog and the master pooped together and that my friend is the equality we were unceasingly searching for. 

The human mind is hard to decipher and the act of those who had a toilet to use but were persistent on passing stool on an open land, is still being researched upon. Even a notice was pasted on the walls of the toilet that not even a penny is charged for using the toilet, made brick by brick only for the slum dwellers.

The reason for ignoring the amenities could be many. May be it is the joy of a taking a dump in the company of your family and friends. Maybe it’s their preferred way to discuss the current affairs of the world. Maybe it’s their chance of meeting new people. Maybe it’s the view. Like I said, the human mind is hard to decipher.

Image Courtesy- stockpicturesforeveryone.com

Friday, 18 May 2012

How To Escape An Arranged Marriage...

I am in that tragic phase of life. The phase which every person, be it man or woman cannot escape. The phase in your life which your parents have been waiting for ‘like a boss’. If you are an Indian, your life cycle has been genetically designed to endure the pain of arranged marriages, unless off course you create an outburst in your family and zip them up. This generally results in dramatic tears, exchange of chilli paste coated words and in the worst case scenario, disowning the offspring. 

I was born on 14th September 1989 at 6:10 am in a place called Bhillai in Chattisgarh and before my first birthday on 14th September 1990, my Jadakam or Kundli was custom made by an astrologer who claimed that he was King Aurangzeb’s favourite general Mr. Mir Jumla in his previous birth. Last month I stepped out of my student life and now I am the ripe mango which my granny thinks should be sold fast. Everything that glitters is not gold especially for us Malayalees and since it is the most essential item in any Keralite wedding, sometimes more important than the bride itself, the gold accumulation had started the moment I got out of school and into the law University. 

Fortunate I am that my parents did not hitch me up while I was still in college. Four of my batch mates are married and one is now shopping for maternity clothes. But the moment I was done with my college life, my father approached an assumed to be famous astrologer who sleepily asked for my birth date, place and time. He then made some geometric designs on a piece of paper and wrote  utter gibberish. According to him, I have to be married off within 2 years which my Dad thinks is time sufficient to find a dork of a guy to stick me up with for life. Well I will be 23 this September, so going with the calendar, I will be ruining somebody’s life by 25. 

Anyways, this prompted me to Google search some ways to escape arranged marriages and apart from some grotesque links on honour killing and videos about women who ran away from home, there was not much help available. So I sat down and pretended to be Buddha, followed by some eye to wall contact which led to some dull but useful ideas which as they say can change your life, for better or for worse.
Use any one or a combination or all of the following techniques during the groom visiting or bride seeing ceremony-

1)      Be honest- You where taught ‘honesty is the best policy’ for a reason and the reason is this. Be honest even if it hurts the ears of the listener. Let’s call the person who came to see you or the person you forcibly went to see the ‘scapegoat’. Pour in your honesty to the best of its ability but never before your parents. I intend to corner the scapegoat, away from the herd and introduce him to all the not so proud facts about myself with a few monstrous additions like the love for roasting bugs in candle flame during power cuts and my love for watching autopsy videos. This shall go one till he starts thinking I am the devils own. Well the fact that I am an advocate is a turn off in itself.

2)      Married Avatar- Introduce the scapegoat to your post wedding avatar. I plan on telling him that I intend to never adhere to the whims and fancies of his mother, give him nightmares about touching the Below Poverty Line due to my shopaholic tendencies and my devious idea of suing his family in a false case of domestic violence every time a trivial domestic turmoil arose. 

3)      De-Hymenated and Mr.Casanova- Your expertise in the field of bed doesn’t matter until you have the ability to lie about it. If you already are the broken one, then you are the chosen one, if you know what I mean! Just mathematically and statistically let the scapegoat know about the turbulent episodes you have had on bed with people who meant something to you and many who didn’t. It’s a sad state of affair that men still prefer virgins when it comes to marriage and women of expertise when it comes to just a fling. Well use that fact to your benefit. 

4)      Parent talk- Opt to tell your parents about the fact that you do not intend to marry until you feel you should and that they should quit showing you images of men with middle partition and hair oiled enough to stink even on photographs. This can cause a definite mayhem but then again worth a try.

If you utilise the above techniques in the most appropriate manner, you will ward away the scapegoat like a striped polecat. But this may also result in you being forever alone unless you have a back up plan i.e a lover waiting for you. Make sure that your parents are unaware of your evil intent or the situation can get a little too messy. You don’t want no filmy episodes!!!

But who knows there might be some douchebag who might like you inspite of all your ugly talks and your scary facts because he knows your game. That is when you should call it quits!!

P.S- I am back in action. Starting now all the posts that make it to my timeline shall be visited and read. College life is over and I am back home as an unemployed girl who is supposed to start preparing for civil judge exam up next year. 
P.P.S- I joined the gym again and the hot gay trainer is still here to rub salt on my open wounds. My heart aches!! If you are not familiar with the tale of the hottie, pls read THIS
P.P.P.S- So anyone missed me? I have an inflated sense of self worth.